That uneasy feeling

"1...

"2...

"5!"

"3, sir."

"3!"

Or maybe it is 5. But if five, then what are 3 and 4?

For that matter, what are 1 and 2?

At this point, I have less than two weeks until my last day at work, and just about two weeks until my flight to Egypt departs. Everything seems to be going smoothly....except....

I can't get past that gnawing feeling that I am forgetting something.

I have begun packing.

I have made lists of what I need (both physically and research-wise).

I have made lists of what I need to do.

Yet, the thought keeps popping in my head that I am overlooking something.

What do I need to do at work? What must I accomplish before that last day?

But I keep going back to the realization that everything is under control. I began planning for this trip months ago. And whatever I need to finish has been accounted for.

So why can't I shake this feeling?

Is it my strong desire to be in charge?

Is it my need to be a perfectionist?

Am I obsessing over nothing?

Did I just pay for an argument with myself?

I know everything at work will be fine with me gone. This has happened before. The Museum will survive just fine without me.

But that's not the point.

What is really eating at me is that I may not fulfill promises I have made. That I will leave projects unattended for three months. That I cannot be physically here to tend to these promises.

And then I begin making a mental list of those promises.

One, I owe him.....er....uhm...

No, that project is completed, and now out of my hands.

Well, maybe one is that thing that I had been working on...

Oh, but that was put on hold and will be dealt with when I return. Nothing I can do about that now.

What is she expecting from me? What about this group?

Seems like we are all square.

If I look at the list of projects I am working on, I see that many of these are not to be completed until 2014, or 2015, so I obviously have plenty of time to work on them. This one project has no deadline! I don't need to fret about them now with only two weeks left.

I see all this, I know all this, my brain is not allowing itself to just accept all this.

As a graduate student, whenever I had exams, I would always think about that exact moment when the call for pencils down was made, and how that was the sweetest moment. I couldn't change what I had written, and I didn't start worrying about my grade and what I had forgotten yet. It was that perfect moment of bliss, and it made the ordeal much easier to deal with.

So why can't I let that happen now? Why don't I start thinking about boarding the plane? There is absolutely nothing I can do at that point.

With all major projects accounted for, my mind turns to the little projects and responsibilities, too numerous to count and easy to overlook, and how they are doing a great job at not being seen.

And then I realize that's just a silly thought.